OFF THE BEATEN TRACK ?

Periodically I suppose I'm happy. When I'm with my friends, throwing my head back and covering my mouth as I shake with laughter at a joke someone just made. But then the day turns into night and my carefree grin turns into an unexplainable sadness. I lay in bed, thinking about all the things I wish I could say, all the things I'm afraid to admit even with only pen, paper, and my mind. It's nights like this when I realize I'm many things. I'm happy and sad, outgoing and shy, rambunctious and quiet. But mostly, I'm empty.

You deserve to know. I loved you, I still do; you'll forever have a part of my heart. I cry for you, ache for you, and retouch our memories that slowly fade away as hastily as you breathe because the memory I thought back to and the person I cried for is not worth all my tears. I know I was important to you as you were to me. I still talk to you. Without your knowledge, of course. I tell myself I'm over you, over and over. Acting like it didn't matter, you were just, just some silly nutso guy and in the end, it won't matter. Regardless of the heartache you've allotted me, I still have that shred of pathetic hope that you'll eventually, come back. Also, I realize I just never have been over you and maybe that makes me weak. But in the end, it's true.

I call back to the vivid memories of us; you, tiffing, complaining about everything i did, how my tiny acts always gave you defence to catechize everything. I fell in love with you and was told you felt the same way, but then i realized, falling in love and feeling blue, not meeting expectations in love has great difference. Shutting my eyes, about all the terrible vibes you gave me repeatedly, even my best friends didn't knew about; i have been through a lot, i have been through situations that i haven't let anyone know you did and it's hard for me now. I realized everything at the end, when i was not reaching out, you were making a kill out of it. I remember, how you used to tell me don't say these things and that, and i was off my own trolley hiding your faux pas and let you bitch everything about me to my near people, without my knowledge.

I became a mistreated girl who kept being unappreciated and i began to tell myself "it's okay", those okays are now not treating me good. It stings, it really do. Because of what i've been through, you've twisted my arm to struggle trusting people. I know you're thinking, "yeah, me too." But for me, it's to the point where i question every little thing that someone says, and i overthink everything to max. Along with this, i put my guard up. No, i don't mean the problem was you, it was me. I made excuses for your shitty behaviour, i accepted your obvious lies, and gave you another chance, again and again. I sold myself short, i didn't believe i deserved better, and i stayed too long for your change. I learned the hard way, but i learned.

Now, when i meet someone as nice and sweet as you, my automatic instinct is, "no, get away, you're going to be broken again". I know this sucks and is bad but i'm working on it, i'm trying. I know it feels most like a soft soap but yeah not to forget that everyone's damaged, so unbelievingly torn apart, ripped to shreds, even! So, what's the point in trying to fix everyone? Most people will even deny the fact that there is something that haunts the back of their mind; because maybe if they don't say it, it won't be real. In reality, everyone has their demons. The thing we can only do is offer good parts of us and hope they dance well with the bad parts.

The only lesson i learnt in 2019 and would say to you is, if you're going to love someone, you have to fall in love with their moon and their sun, without questioning and complaining! It's your responsibility to love them even when the only thing shining in their eyes is a rent less moon. Love them until the sun comes out for ever and ever. And if you're reading this, yes you, you need to understand no one is worth losing yourself for, no one is worth suffering for at the expense of your happiness, no one is worth tormenting yourself over for the sake of making them happy, because at this point, perhaps losing them is the only way you'd be able to find yourself back.

#VIBES